


The Ache of the Heart

by Shi_Tsu



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, chasefield, marshfield, pricefield
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-03
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-18 21:30:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4721126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shi_Tsu/pseuds/Shi_Tsu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the ending of episode 4, Max is rescued from the Dark Room but her life will never be the same, Chloe is gone. Broken and hopeless Max struggles to find the strength to continue.<br/>WARNING: Contains themes that could be triggering such as character death, depression, mention of suicide and rape.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cold

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted this on FF.net but decided to post it here too, updates are going to go up at the same time to both sites

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted this on FF.net but decided to post it here too, updates are going to go up at the same time to both sites

Cold. That was all Max could feel right now, the night wind touching her wet cheeks where her tears had been, why was this happening? So much stuff had happened in the last week yet nothing could have compared to this, the mix of feelings she had made her head hurt and her lunch try to find its way out, she let out a small sigh trying to even her breath, but it only made the tears start coming down again, and when she tried to fight them it became worse. The ache in her heart was the worst part,  _“I could rewind… even if it made my head explode to rewind that far back..”_  she thought  _“But no amount of rewinding will make this pain go away”_ she put her hand over her chest, feeling her rushed heartbeats  _“I wish I could make this stop.. I wish I never had discovered this power…”_ She remembered the day she had used her power for the first time, that beautiful picture she had taken of the blue butterfly,  _blue_ … suddenly the memory of Chloe lying on the bathroom floor bloodied came to her mind, followed by the most recent one, of her lifeless body falling to the side of Rachel’s, bullet right between her eyes. The feeling came back to her as everything she had in her stomach found its way out, emptying even the last bit of the few amount of food she had eaten since she woke up two days ago.

She remembered the feeling of coldness and stiffness, the blurred faces of people staring at her and telling her that everything will be okay, they told her the reason they found her was because of Kate who called the police as soon as Max didn’t reply, her last text message telling Kate about the old Prescott barn, they told her they found her half-dressed and lying drugged in front of the camera, and they told her he never got the chance to... to... Max shook her head, she didn’t really remember anything so there was no way she could be sure of it, and honestly at this point she didn’t care, all she cared about was Chloe, she could still hear her last words in her mind. Everyone said she should stay in the hospital to be treated by a psychologist and rest for a while, but the idea of staying there made her shiver. They gave her some sleeping pills so she could rest but the nightmares came anyways, dreams of watching Chloe die the same way she had so many times in real life over and over, so she avoided sleeping altogether. It’s not like she wanted to rest anyways, no, she just wanted everything to stop, to end.

Max felt her phone ring in her pocket, a text message, she ignored it for a long moment, she was sick of the kind messages telling her “how sorry we are for what happened to you and Chloe”, everyone was so nice and it made her so… sick. She knew that she was being unfair, that they only wanted to help and this was not the way she usually was, but something had changed in her, and she found no strength in herself to pretend to care about other people.

Her phone rang once again, she went turn it off when she saw the texts came from the only person she would want to talk to – Kate Marsh.

**“Hey Max, how are you doing? Do you want to talk maybe come over here for a while?”**

**“Max you don’t have to talk, just let me know you’re still there”**

She went to reply  **“I’m here Kate, is it okay if I go this late?”**

She waited a second and her phone rang again **“Don’t worry, you know how people get, seems like they’re afraid of you breaking at some point, they’ll probably just smile awkwardly at you and ask you if you’re okay- as if that’s possible.”**

Max found what seemed to be a hint of a smile on her face for a second, Kate was the only one she could talk to, their current status was the same and it was almost funny how everyone tried so hard around them.

**“Okay, be there in a moment”**

She got up from the stairs of the girl’s dorm and started walking when she noticed she still had a bit of vomit on her face. “God, I’m a fucking mess…” Max said before heading to her dorm room to clean herself up, she entered the hallway and spotted someone in the dark sitting on the floor, she approached slowly and heard soft crying coming from the girl. Max couldn't find the strength inside her to comfort the girl so she just tried to walk pass her and head to the bathroom when she heard a soft voice calling out to her.

"Max...”

Max turned to face the girl, it was Victoria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first try at a Life is Strange/Pricefield fanfic, I haven't written fanfic in like 5 years so i'm kind of rusty here.
> 
> Reviews are really appreciated, let me know what you think, what you liked and didn't like and what I should improve and I'll keep it in count for the next chapter.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	2. Night and all his Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night is cruel with Max as she struggles to keep herself together, she finds comfort in more than one way.   
> WARNING: Contains themes that could be triggering such as character death, depression, mention of suicide and drugs

Awkwardness was no stranger to Max but this situation was beyond just awkward, it was almost unsettling, she hadn’t seen Victoria since the night at the Vortex Club party where she had warned her about Nathan and the Dark Room, so much had happened since then and Victoria seemed different… broken. No one had heard from Nathan since the police took him for the investigation, it was unknown if he was a big part of the crime or just a pawn being used by someone else, whatever it was they made sure it stayed all confidential. The girls just stared at each other for a while, Victoria’s expression staying very serious, the silence became so thick you could almost touch it, after a moment Max attempted to do a little smile which failed miserably and ended up looking like a weird contortion on her face; though Victoria didn’t seem to notice, she was just staring blankly at her. When the silence became incredibly loud Max just headed to the bathroom to leave the awkward situation, and lastly heard Victoria’s voice behind her.

“Thank you” A quiet whisper said, Max didn’t look back but heard Victoria’s door closing.

Max walked into the bathroom and went to splash water on her face staring at her reflection in the mirror, deep in thought about Victoria, she hadn’t thought about her since everything happened, she never thought about how this whole situation would affect her, last time she had seen her Victoria had opened up to her on how she feels about what happened to Kate and for the first time she seemed emotional, even vulnerable… but this was different, she looked vulnerable but also something else, something Max couldn’t wrap her head around what it was.  Before she could get lost in her own mind another voice broke her thoughts.

“Hi Max” She turned around and saw Taylor behind her, she looked a little distraught and approached her like almost everyone else did, as if they were afraid she was going to break if they touched her “I-I’m sorry to bother you, well first of all are you okay?” Max found herself rolling her eyes in annoyance at the question she was tired of hearing, but quickly came to her senses again _“What are you doing Max? She’s just trying to be nice!”_   she thought to herself and tried to give her a little smile while nodding, trying to cover her annoyance from before.

“I just wanted to ask you about Victoria… I- we, Courtney and I, haven’t seen her since the whole Prescott shit went down, she isn’t answering our calls or anything, I don’t even think she has left her room, and we know she has some heavy shit Nathan had bought from that dude Frank in there…” Taylor shifted uncomfortable in her feet “Anyways, people saw you talking to her in the Vortex Club party that day, and you two seemed to get along there… have you talked to her since then? Has she told you anything?”

Max was silent for a moment, trying to wrap her head around everything she had just heard, _“Victoria is locked up in a room full of drugs? What is she doing? Was that why she seemed so… weird?”_ Realization hit Max like a rock, as she tried to find the words to say, to tell Taylor that her friend could be in horrible danger, the least thing she wanted was another death, she just couldn’t handle it anymore, a person could see so much death before going mental and Max was reaching her point, first Kate attempting to kill herself, then finding Rachel’s dead body, and… _Chloe._ A sudden familiar pain came to her heart as those images came to her head to haunt her again, she took a deep breath to calm herself before speaking “Taylor listen to me, Victoria could be in great danger, you need to help her, you need to get her out of there before something horrible happens and…” Max stopped, feeling something run down her cheek, a tear. _“Why the fuck does this happen to me? Am I really the kind of person who cries at the mere mention of death now?”_ Max tried to fight the tears but eventually and like always they won, she walked out of the bathroom leaving Taylor alone and even more worried than before.

Max walked out in the cold, forcing herself to stop the tears from coming down, _“Not feeling so ‘super Max’ now huh?”_ she thought and could almost hear it in Chloe’s voice, she continued walking and crying not really minding where she was going, holding her hands on both her arms to shelter herself from the cold wind, the girl cried until she felt like she had no tears left to spill and finally looked around to see where she was, she had walked all the way to Arcadia Bay’s Hospital alone from Blackwell at 11 pm, Max found that both alarming and impressing.

The hospital seemed even more morbid in the dark, especially from the outside, Max remembered why she had turned down the option of staying there, she went inside and talked to the girl on the counter, she didn’t recognize her at first but when she did she called out to the doctor who had seen Max that day.

“Are you okay Max?” The doctor asked, to which Max had to stop herself from rolling her eyes again like she did with Taylor before

“I’m feeling better, thank you” she bluntly lied “I just need to see Kate, she’s been helping me a lot and tonight’s been kinda rough so I was hoping I could stay with her”

The doctor hesitated, he eyed her for a moment examining her, Max could see how he noticed her redden eyes and nose and the bags under her eyes, her figure that went from an already slim complexion to being able to see most of her bones, she thought of rewinding _“maybe this wasn’t the best idea”_ she was just about to rewind when the doctor spoke

“You know visitors at this hour are not a common thing, in fact there aren’t any visits at this hour… but since I think talking with Kate might be best for you right now, we can keep this one between us” He said, smiling at her.

Max made a little smile and walked towards the elevator when she felt his hand on her shoulder “Max, take care, eat something, I don’t want you to end up here again okay?” he said in a soft voice, and Max couldn’t think of anything to say as she was both surprised and embarrassed “I- thank you” she said before going up the elevator.

_“I need to see Kate, I just need to see her”_ Max thought trying to block out the memories of when she had come here with Chloe the day everything happened; Chloe had been so good, she had apologized for freaking out when Max answered Kate’s call, she was genuinely sorry and it was so nice for Max to see that she cared… it was just a few days ago and yet it seemed like a million years.

She knocked on Kate’s door with a little hurry, she just wanted to get out of that corridor, of the memories of Chloe. The door opened and Max was greeted by a sleepy Kate in her pajamas.

“Hi Max… I thought you weren’t coming since you took so long” Max looked to the ground anxiously and shifted on her feet, Kate noticed her anxiety “Come here” she said before taking Max in for a hug and that was it… Max just broke in Kate’s arms, everything was just a blur from there, she cried and screamed at the top of her lungs not caring if other patients were sleeping, they tried talking but Max just couldn’t stop crying so finally Kate gave up talking and just comforted her friend. Finally Max fell asleep on Kate’s shoulder on the bed, she wanted to move but Max looked so peaceful while sleeping like nothing had happened, it made Kate’s heart warm to see her troubled friend finally find some peace, so she stayed there and finally fell asleep as well.

Max woke up and felt like she had slept for a year but she felt so much better, like she had finally rested in what seemed like an eternity, she looked to her side and saw Kate sleeping next to her, she looked so funny in her bunny pajamas but it was typical Kate after all.

Max reached to her phone to see the hour, 3 am it read, she tried to stay and sleep more but being in the hospital made her nervous, looking at the white walls and ceiling, smelling the scent of chlorine and medicines she found so intoxicating, the whole ambiance made her nervous and she didn’t want to wake up Kate so she grabbed her stuff and left, leaving a message for Kate beside her bed

**“I’m sorry I had to leave, thank you Kate, for everything. I’ll come back soon XOMAXO”**

Rewinding a few times to not get caught by the people working there she managed to get out of the hospital, once out Max immediately regretted it, she had never been alone on the streets that late, but she looked back at the hospital and felt a shiver run down her spine, staying was not an option so she walked anyways.

When she got to Blackwell Max had to rewind again to avoid getting caught by the school’s security, finally getting to her dorm she walked towards her room and opened the door, right before entering she heard a voice behind her

“Max”

She looked back at Victoria who stared at her, same look as before, Max could feel herself worry for the girl after what Taylor had told her…

“Victoria-“ Max was cut off by the other girl

“Don’t overthink this.” Victoria said walking towards her

Before Max could say anything Victoria ran up to her and kissed her roughly, pushing both of them inside Max’s room and against the wall, they continued kissing and Victoria’s tongue forcibly parted Max’s lips apart to deepen the kiss, they kissed deeply and roughly until Victoria broke the kiss to breathe, she looked at the other girl hungrily and intensely, a hand running from Max’s lips to her cheeks to her collarbones, caressing her lightly, after a moment she looked up to meet her eyes again, asking for a look of approval from Max, and she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here it is, the second chapter. I received good reviews on the last one so I just kept the style pretty much the same, only difference that this one is a little longer, I hope you liked it and look forward to reading more from this story! Again, all reviews are welcomed and I would really appreciate it if you guys told me what you think, what you liked, what you didn't like.
> 
> Thank you for reading! XOMAXO (okay I'll stop)


	3. Just for a moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's morals can be persuaded, and in trials everyone needs someone. The feeling is different, but it is good.  
> WARNING: Contains themes that could be triggering such as character death, depression, mention of suicide, drugs and sex.

_“What the fuck am I doing!?”_ Max thought but her thinking was quickly interrupted by the amazing feeling of Victoria’s lips on hers _“I- I need to say something! This can’t be happening”_ but her body was shivering and her legs trembling from the touch of Victoria’s hands under her shirt while kissing the smaller girl’s neck, Max could smell a scent of alcohol in the other girl’s breath _“She’s probably drunk, or high, or both... this isn’t right..”_ Max thought of something to say and opened her mouth to speak but a soft moan came out instead as the other girl had gotten rid of her bra and started kissing her breasts “V-Victoria... I…” Max said, half talking half moaning. Victoria stopped for a second and kicked the door closed before throwing both of them on the bed and putting herself on top of the other girl, everything after that was just a blur for Max, but she felt better than she had ever felt in a long time.

-

The next morning felt surreal, last night was the weirdest experience in Max’s life and that came from someone who had time travel _powers “Was last night… real? Did Victoria really do that? And why did I agree to it?”_ Max got up from bed and looked at herself in the mirror, she had bite marks and hickeys all over her body _“Oh my God. This is totally not cool, it actually really happened… how the fuck am I going to cover these?”_ She touched the marks on her necks and suddenly the blurred images from last night came back to her, Victoria’s smell of alcohol, pushing Max against the wall, tossing her clothes to the floor, kissing every inch of her body and biting her bare skin every time she tried to say anything.

_“It was wrong… it was so wrong, why the hell did I agree?”_ Max thought, touching the hickey on her collarbone _“But it felt so… good. Fuck”_ Max’s hand continued to look for more hickeys and bite marks, she had a bite mark on her back, a hickey on her stomach, she moved her hand from one to another, then she found one on her inner thighs between her legs, when she found it more memories came back to her, Victoria running her hand on her stomach while kissing her, looking at the girl’s pants asking for permission and Max wanting to say no, but the desire burned so bad inside her chest she finally gave up to it and forgot all sense of decency she had.

_“What happened to me?”_ she shook her head as more flashbacks of herself moaning and breathing heavily came to her mind _“I was so out of my mind, that was so not me… but..”_

Max couldn’t wrap her head around why she wasn’t feeling bad for what had happened, it was so embarrassing, she had never done anything like that with anyone and especially because it was Victoria who was there. But she wasn’t feeling bad not even sorry, remembering those images actually made her feel _good_ , and that was _bad_.

The farthest she had gone with anyone was kissing Chloe one time and it had felt so different from this, she remember the nervousness she had when she kissed Chloe, the warm feeling in her stomach, how happy she was to think that she might feel the same way, how nice it had felt to feel her lips and how beautiful her friend looked… but this was different, it didn’t feel nice this time, it just felt… _pleasant._ Like she was releasing all her troubles and all the things that made her miserable, she just forgot about all of that, she didn’t even feel like she was herself while she was doing that, in that moment Max didn’t care about anything else, it was just her and that pleasant feeling, nothing else. No death, no nightmares, no nothing.

But she was back to herself now, back in her own mind, and it was horrible. Everything inside of her hurt, not physical hurt, but that ache that had tormented ever since that day, the one that went from her head, to her stomach, to her heart. And it never stopped, except from last night.

Max sit on the edge of the bed trying to fix her thoughts, she grabbed her legs and rested her head on her knees, covering herself from the world. _“What am I going to do?”_ she sighed, and just sit there for a long time. _“At least I’m not crying anymore”._

_-_

The sound of her phone woke up Max, she had fallen asleep on the bed again and she tried reaching her phone but ended up falling butt-first on the floor, getting up with a little “ouch”. Max looked at her phone and saw that she had –another- message from Warren, Max sighed, he had tried contacting her since that night but she hadn’t responded to him apart from the one message she had sent him the day she woke up telling him she was fine and that all that was “nothing for Mad Max”, which was a big fat lie, it’s not that she doesn’t want to see him, it’s that she doesn’t want _him_ to see _her_. Her state was deplorable, red eyes and nose, messy hair, unhealthy skinny… “Mad Max my cry-baby ass” she said to herself. She wanted to read the message, but reading it would only make her want to see Warren, and that was not an option.

Max looked out her window, it wasn’t really late and there was like an hour before the sun started to set. She looked out the window for a while, thinking. _“Was it really wrong? I don’t even know if Victoria was drugged, she could even not remember anything…”_ Suddenly, she turned around and headed out the door, with a decisive feeling inside of her she headed towards Victoria’s door _“I need to know what happened, I have to talk to her”_ when she was just outside her door, Max froze for a second _“What am even I going to say? ‘Hey you remember going down on me last night? No? Well yeah that happened’ So awkward…”_ unable to think of anything to say Max just knocked on the door and expected the worst, except nothing happened. Max knocked again but nothing happened. She was just beginning to image Victoria overdosed and dead when she heard someone “Are you looking for Victoria?” The girl said, Max turned around and saw Dana, she must have not recognized her at first because when she turned around Dana almost jumped.

“Oh… Hi Max, how are you doing? You look… nice” she said, doing the best smile she could “I thought you were still in the hospital, I hadn’t seen you since…” she stopped, Max noticed how she cursed at herself for doing such a bad choice of words.

“Hi Dana, I’m… okay I guess, as much as I can be right now. You probably haven’t seen me because I haven’t left my room much” – _“only at night”_ she thought “And also because Principal Wells told me that I am excused to miss my classes until I feel better”

“That’s cool Max, you probably should rest and, uh, feel better” Dana said awkwardly, cursing under her breath again.

“Yeah but I need to find Victoria first, you know if she’s in there?”

“No, apparently she just suddenly recovered from whatever she had these days and went out like nothing had happened, she’s back to being her bitchy self now I guess.”

“Really?” Max said, surprise showing a little too much on her face.

“Yeah, Taylor and Courtney came looking for her this morning, they were like crazy worried and she just came out of her room all dressed up and acting like she didn’t just spent the last 3 days locked up in there”

“That’s crazy…”

“I know, honestly I don’t even care what that she has been up to, I just hope she wasn’t hiding Nathan in there or something”

“That would be a big plot twist” Max said with a giggle, she found the idea of Nathan just hiding in Victoria’s closet for 3 days very funny.

Dana smiled and nodded “I’m glad to see you Max, this dorm has been like fucking drama-land these days, I even left the Vortex Club, couldn’t stand those stuck up snobs trying to defend Nathan, without him and Victoria the club is dead anyways.”

“Is the club really closed now? Did Victoria really leave?”

“Well, we all just assumed she did, and I don’t think a lot of people are going to stick around after, uh, you know.” she shifted in her feet “It’s better off this way, that ‘Vorshit’ Club was more of a place for egos and drama than for having fun, we have better fun without it” Dana smiled a genuine smile at Max.

“I’m glad to hear that, maybe without it we can actually have some peace at Blackwell” Max smiled, the idea of the Vortex Club gone was very comforting to her.

Suddenly, she remembered what she was supposed to do “Sorry Dana I’ve got to go, do you know where Victoria might be?”

“Well, she might be in class, they suspended the Photography class while they… find someone new” Dana cringed a little saying those last words “Some students moved to other classes while there was no Professor, and the most popular seemed to be Fashion Design which is in the art class, same classroom Photography was in”

“Thank you Dana” Max said and quickly ran out of there.

“Max!” Dana said “I’m really happy you’re here”

Not knowing how to respond Max just tried to give a little smile and headed outside the dorm.

Once outside, the light hit Max’s skin like fire, she hadn’t been out in the sun since that day and the heat felt like a stranger to her, she looked at her own hands in the sunlight, skinnier than they had ever been. Max continued walking, not minding the stares people would do when they saw her walking around campus in the middle of the day _“Focus Max, we need to talk to her about last night, I need to know if she even remembers anything”_ she continued not noticing when her walking became running, and suddenly she was running around campus.

When she got to the building Max was really agitated from the brief run, _“I guess I shouldn’t do this when I haven’t eaten anything in 3 days huh?”_ a few people saw her struggling to breathe and went up to her to ask if she was okay, which she just shrugged off and tried to ignore. Max walked towards the classroom trying to sort out her thoughts but she couldn’t. When she got to the classroom door she didn’t stop to think about what she was doing before opening the door, storming in the classroom and yelling “Victoria!” to the entire Design class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry this one took a little longer, I'm trying to keep the length good for you guys but I'm very busy this week and next chapter is probably going to be a little late too. Anyways I worked hard on this one, it was a tricky one because I had to rewatch some of the game's scenes to not go too out of character in some parts, I hope it worked out! As always reviews are the best for me so please tell me what you thought about this one! I tried fixing some mistakes I had with the previous ones so I hope this is better.
> 
> Your reviews make me happy :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	4. Mean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things did not turn out the way Max thought they would

Stares. A whole classroom full of people staring, the looks on their faces going from worried, to surprised, to amused. Someone had the brilliant idea of taking their phone out to record what was just happening and just after that other 3 phones popped up to record as well. Max stared at the silent classroom, suddenly forgetting what she was doing there in the first place, she tried speaking but nothing was going on in her mind, it was like her brain suddenly decided to stop working.

“Uh, excuse me Miss?” A female’s voice caught her attention, must have been the teacher, the woman was in front of the class, stopped mid-writing on the board. She was in her 20s, had glasses and short dark hair, kind of cute actually.

“Are you listening?” she said and Max blinked again, a little confused.

The awkward silence continued “Are you Miss Caulfield? Was it… Maxine Caulfield?” the teacher continued, approaching her slowly “Are you okay? Are you looking for someone?”

Suddenly, Max remembered what she was doing there, feeling like an idiot for zoning out.

“Victoria” she said “I need to talk to Victoria” her sight wandered through the classroom looking for her, when her eyes found her, Victoria had the most horrified look on her face: like she wanted to disappear right there.

“Oh, alright” the teacher said “Chase, you’re excused for the rest of the class, go with Miss Caulfield”

Victoria just sit there for a second, blinking in shock, she cleared her throat in the most awkward way possible, all phones pointing at her.

“I believe you’re looking for the wrong person, Caulfield.” Victoria said in a derogatory way, her eyes were like of a snake trying to pierce Max and make her disappear “I know you’re like crazy now, but this is fucking ridiculous.” Her words came out like she was spitting them. “Just because you’re on meds doesn’t mean you can act like a wacko and get away with it. So, as the old saying goes: Go fuck your selfie.” Victoria’s grin was of someone who is very proud of themselves.

After Victoria’s comments the whole classroom started laughing, pointing their phones at Max once again, who just stood there in shock. A few “Bitch got served” and “You can go cry on the roof like Kate did” could be heard from between the laughter.

“Chase! Get the fuck out of my class!”  The teacher yelled

Before Victoria could say anything else Max put up her hand, rewinding time to when she was standing in front of the closed door _“What just happened? I… I can’t…”_ remembering Victoria’s words, the way she spit them out and the pleased look she had when she said them, “Fuck her” Max said before turning and walking out of the building.

Anger building inside of her, Max could feel how she was losing her senses to it, Victoria’s smug face pasted into her memories. She thought about everything she could do to her, _“I could do anything… anything at all and then rewind.”_ The thought ran through her mind in a very morbid tone _“Nothing is stopping me, she is vulnerable to me. I have power over her, over everyone... no one ever knew about my power but Chloe, and she is gone now.”_ Suddenly a sharp pain went through her chest as she recovered her senses _“She… Chloe is gone…”_ she fought to stop the tears from coming down, the least she wanted was to cry in the middle of campus with everyone watching _“What am I thinking? I sound just like…. Jefferson”_ The thought horrified her _“Jesus what am I becoming?”_ Max was mortified by herself, remembering Jefferson made her shiver and nauseous, had she eaten anything she would have vomited right there. She tried her hardest to stop the tears and succeeded, but fell to the ground with a heartbeat so rushed Max thought her heart would explode.

Max attempted to even her breathing while trying to think about what Chloe would say to her _“Get your shit together Max! You’re hella creeping me out. Now get up, I know you can do this Bat-Max, you’re my superhero”_ She could almost hear Chloe’s voice inside her head, and it made her feel better.  Max got up in a second, stumbling a little with her trembling legs, not eating anything was really taking a hit on her health.

When she got up Max noticed the amount of stares directed at her, people staring, whispering, some looking concerned, some amused. But no one got up to help her. She thought about rewinding but the sole action of standing up was making her shake _“I need a serious time out.”_

-

The afternoon ambience was quiet and peaceful, the sun was setting and Max was sitting on a bench in front of the girl’s dorm, trying to keep the world out, she put on her headphones and started a random song, ‘Something Good’ by alt-J started playing, Max’s thoughts starting to fill her mind “ _Why does all of this has to happen? My life went to shit in literally 3 days, and it keeps getting worse”_

The song continued playing in the background

_~Get high, hit the floor before you go~_

_“The days before all this happened were the happiest days of my life, even with all the shit going on, I was just so happy to be with Chloe again, to finally be myself with her again. We would always have so much fun, even when she was still broken and angry sometimes, I knew it made her feel better to be with me, as much as it made me feel better to be with her. But it all lasted less than a week, and now I have never been worse…”_

_~Matador, estocada, you’re my blood sport~_

_“It’s like the universe wants to punish me for messing with time, it’s like someone is getting a kick at seeing me suffer over and over. I can’t continue just taking it, if I do that I might just explode any second”_

_~Something good, oh something good, oh something good tonight made me forget about you for now~_

Suddenly her thoughts were interrupted by the sight of Victoria and her friends walking towards the dorm, they had a weird and kind of awkward air around them, mostly from Taylor who seemed really distraught despite pretending to smile every time Victoria looked at her. Courtney also seemed concerned, but was more determined to hide it from her friend, fake smiles and laughs confirmed that.

Victoria’s gaze connected with Max’s as she stopped, eyes widened and suddenly awkwardly still. For a second Max thought she saw fear in her eyes but was suddenly replaced with anger, she made an awkward gesture to her friends “Let’s go, just ignore the weirdo” the girl said before starting to walk again  
“Vic” Taylor suddenly said, not moving from in front of Max “I- I don’t think you should talk to her like that. She was very concerned about you when you… you know-“ she was cut mid-sentence by a very aggressive Victoria “No Taylor. I don’t know. There was nothing wrong, I just needed some time alone okay? You’re just fucking paranoid, maybe talking with this pathetic lunatic made you lose your mind too or maybe you were already a wacko and lost it after what happened to your mom” Taylor stared at Victoria startled, she had seen her friend say horrible things and bully people, but this was beyond that, this was just cruel. Courtney stared at her too, shock in her eyes and Victoria noticed this.

“I, uh, let’s just go okay?” Victoria said anxiously after a moment of silence

Taylor continued staring at her for a second until her expression went from shocked to hurt

“I don’t know what has gotten to you Victoria. But you’re not the same person anymore, I know you’re good inside and I know you’re a good friend, you were there for me when my mom was sick. But right now you’re not that person and you’re not that friend anymore and I’m not going to stand it” she said before pushing Victoria aside with her shoulder as she walked “I have to go. Don’t text me okay? Oh and Court I’ll see you later”

Victoria stood there for a second not finding any words to say, until she finally regained her rough expression

“What a drama queen” she said trying to shrug it off “She’ll be back by tomorrow morning, let’s go Courtney”

Courtney hesitated, but before she could say anything Max got up “No.” Max said, her tone very determined and rough “Victoria, we need to talk. Now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this one took longer than expected, and I'm sorry its short compared to the time it took. I've just been really busy these days with college stuff. Anyways this one was kind of difficult to write, I had already finished it a couple of days ago but ended up rewriting it in the end because in it Max did something very bad and questionable to Victoria and it touched a sensitive subject for some people, so I ended up taking it off.  
> As always please tell me what you think! I need your comments to keep writing, tell me what you liked, what you didn't, everything!  
> Your comments make my day :)


	5. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its all about not feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Strong depression/suicidal content in this chapter. Also mention of kidnapping and abuse.

“No.” Victoria’s words came out, suddenly cutting Max’s feeling of determination “I am not going anywhere with you Caulfield, get the fuck off” she folded her arms, waiting for Courtney to start walking, but she didn’t.

“What are you doing Courtney? Let’s go!” Victoria said impatiently to her hesitant friend.

“I don’t know about this Vic, you’re acting very strange” Courtney said before directing her gaze towards Max “She hasn’t done anything wrong. Just talk to her, she’s actually pretty cool” she directed a smile towards Max, seems like she hadn’t forgotten about the little friendship they had.

Victoria let out an exasperated sigh “You know what? Fine! I’ll just go by myself” she started walking but Max grabbed her by the arm before she could leave. The blonde’s reaction was immediate as she forcibly shook Max’s hand off her “Don’t ever touch me again Caulfield”

Max could feel her determination coming back to her “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, I know some pretty interesting shit about you and I’ll be more than glad to share it, _Chase_ ”

A wave of nervousness hit Victoria like a rock, she started stuttering and looking for words to say, but none came out. “So, are you coming?” Max said, a shit eating grin on her face that looked far too much like Chloe’s, she really was a good bad influence on her.

“I’ll leave you two to it then” Courtney interrupted “Oh and Max, if you’re still up to it, maybe we can still do that dress up session someday. Just call me okay? I hope you, uh, feel better” she said awkwardly before heading out.

An awkward silence could be heard after Courtney left, Victoria and Max were standing in front of each other, but none of them said a word. _“Shit, I never planned this far… What am I going to say anyway?”_

“Look, if we’re gonna do this at least let’s go to my room. I don’t need anyone hearing any of this shit” The blonde finally said, heading towards the dorm entrance while Max silently followed.

When they got to the hall Victoria looked very carefully to see if anyone was around to see them, when she was sure there was no one around she quickly headed towards her door and carefully opened it without making any noise. Max stood outside for a second, a little disoriented; going inside Victoria’s room with Victoria herself wasn’t something she was familiar with.

“What are you doing? Get in here before somebody sees us!” Victoria whispered in a rushed tone.

“Uh yeah, I’m… sorry” Max said awkwardly while entering the room, the blonde closing the door behind her. She stood there not facing Max for a second, making a nervous sigh she turned to face the brunette.

“Okay, let’s get this over with, cut to the chase Caulfield”

Max had so many things to say, so many she couldn’t settle on one, she opened her mouth several times to speak but the words just tangled in her throat not coming out. _“Shit Max, just fucking say something.”_ She thought to herself _“Okay you were worried about whether or not she was drugged last night, say something about that”_

The photographer shifted in her feet “I was wondering if you have been… taking drugs” she said quietly

“That’s none of your business.” Victoria said, but Max just stared at her determined, she wasn’t going to go without answers. The blonde sighed noticing this.

“I may have taken some of the goods Nathan left here” She said looking at the ground “I just wanted to not feel anything for a while you know?” Victoria looked really vulnerable while talking, and she noticed this “I am not discussing this with you of all people” her voice broke a little when she said that last sentence.

Max noticed how broken she looked again, how her walls almost fell for a moment “Why did you lock yourself? Victoria people were worried about you… your friends were worried about you, even now I know they still are.” Her tone was calm and comforting.

“I don’t know okay!? Fuck, I just wanted everything to stop” Victoria almost yelled, sitting on the bed and taking her face in her hands, covering herself from the smaller girl. “I just want everything to end.” She said in almost a whisper.

Max stood in front of the girl, _“I just want everything to stop. To end.”_ The words echoed in her mind, she had thought those exact same words just yesterday. Max saw how broken Victoria looked, then looked at her own hands, examining them, how skinny they were from not eating, how pale she looked from not sleeping.

“I understand.” Max said after a moment, and Victoria finally looked up “I get it Victoria, I have felt that way too. I am feeling that way right now. It’s not pretty, it’s the most horrible feeling in the world. You don’t want to live, but you don’t have the strength to die either… you just want to stop existing.” Her sight was focused on the ground now.

Victoria looked at the brunette startled, what Max said was just exactly what she was feeling. She decided that if she stayed silent she would burst out crying and she wasn’t about to cry in front of Max of all people, so she started talking

“After what happened with Nathan and Mr. Jefferson I felt… done. Like I had nothing else to do in this world.” Max looked at her interested, she never thought she would see this picture “All my life I’ve had this feeling that something was missing, something was wrong and I could never find myself being happy, sure I had money and parents who didn’t give a shit about anything I do but… that wasn’t happiness.” Victoria’s voice was trembling and shaking

“When I got into Blackwell it felt like everything had fallen into place, I wasn’t empty anymore. I found Nathan and we really hit it off, sure sometimes he would get a little out of line and it scared me sometimes, but he was my friend, we fooled around in more than one way and we both knew it was okay, there was no commitment or drama between us, just two friends who were there for each other.” She made a long sigh before continuing “I found my dream, and it was working with Mr. Jefferson, I finally had something to look up to, something that wasn’t going to be given to me for free, I had to be talented and I had to work hard for it and it made me happy… and now… fuck I’m so stupid, I’m making my friends go away too. I already lost everything.”

Max was standing silently, suddenly understanding Victoria’s behavior _“I get it now. She replaces sadness and vulnerability with anger, and takes it out on everything and everyone that gets in the way”_

There was a moment of silence between the two, Max was still startled about what she just witnessed she didn’t know what to say “Fuck. Why am I even doing this? Can’t you just leave me alone!? You got what you wanted so just go!” Victoria yelled.

The silence continued just enough to make things awkward for a moment, but Max was deep in thought _“It was wrong… it was so wrong”_ the thought echoed in her mind _“But for a moment I wasn’t Max Caulfield the girl who watched the love of her life die so many times and couldn’t save her at last, the girl who got kidnapped and abused by her hero… I was nothing, I felt nothing, just that pleasant feeling.”_  And suddenly she changed, she felt more than determined _“I don’t want to be Max Caulfield”_

“Is this why you went to my room last night?” Max asked in a very serious tone.

Victoria looked up shocked to the brunette who had a serious expression, “W-what are you even talking about? I did nothing-“ But she got cut mid-sentence by Max who moved the neck of her shirt to reveal a few hickeys and bites on her neck.

The blonde’s shocked look soon turned to anger mixed with embarrassment “I- I don’t know, I barely remember bits and parts of it, I thought if I treated you like shit you would get that it was a mistake and it doesn’t mean anything… I chose to forget it and you will too.”

“Why should I?” Max said, still very serious.

Victoria got up and faced the other girl “Because it was stupid okay? Don’t ever bring it up again. It never happened, you get that Caulfield?”

“But it did, Chase. It did happen. You just said you wanted to not feel anything right? What did you feel that night?”

She looked to the ground again “I don’t give a fuck Max! I’m not a fucking dyke okay!? Don’t you even dare speak a word of it to anyone” Victoria looked insecure, scared.

She faced the brunette again, but Max looked different, she didn’t quite look like herself, more like someone that didn’t have anything to lose.

“What did you feel that night Victoria? You didn’t feel anything, no pain, no sadness, no happiness, no love. Nothing, right?” Max said, getting closer to the other girl, not minding what she had just said to her.

“I didn’t…”

“And it was different, it was just you and pleasure, nothing else.”

“Nothing else…” The blonde repeated, looking at the other girl, remembering those memories she had tried to ignore, the feeling, it was different. There was nothing. Just pleasure.

“That night you told me to not overthink it, remember?” The photographer said in a calm tone “Do you still want to not feel anything?”

They both stood there for a second, looking at each other’s eyes, those tired blue eyes so desperately looking for rest, both the same.

“I don’t like you” Victoria said after a moment.

“And I don’t like you either” Max responded “And you said you’re not a lesbian, and this isn’t something romantic. You know what this is.”

“Not feeling” Victoria said to herself in almost a whisper.

The blonde stood there silently for a moment, before looking up to see the brunette again “Fuck it” She said, before going in for a rough kiss and pushing the other girl. Max was taken by surprise suddenly aware again of what she was doing, the rush of confidence she had earlier was going down but she was slowly getting that feeling of hunger and need she had last night.

Victoria pushed her down and pinned the other girl to the bed sitting on top of her, pausing a moment between kisses to say “If you speak a word of this I’m fucking killing you”

_“I don’t care. I don’t care about anything anymore.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My feelings on this chapter are VERY mixed, this took a turn I originally didn't plan, but at the same time it just kind of came out while writing, it almost wrote itself and it felt like it was something that was coming from the first chapter.  
> I did my best to show the inner thoughts from both of them and giving an inside look of what was going on as to why they did what they did and why it was almost natural for it to happen. Also tried to keep the pace good and not rush too much but I don't know how well that one turned out.  
> The thing with this story is that these characters are human, and humans adapt to their conditions in their most desperate times and it is nothing to be blamed about, it is only human.  
> As always please comment and give me your thoughts on this one!


	6. Bed Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max and Victoria have a talk in bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have not played episode 5 yet so there will be no spoilers regarding episode 5 nor will this include anything beyond episode 4.

The first few times were kind of awkward at moments, first time they realized they couldn’t do it with the lights on, Max just couldn’t stand looking at Victoria while they were doing those things and same went for the blonde, it’s like they wanted to pretend the other girl was someone else. After that they continued turning the lights off but sometimes things would still get awkward with Max’s lack of experience and Victoria’s lack of patience. At one point the blonde suggested they got drunk, or high (or both) before doing it, like she was that first night.

“Come on Caulfield this is fucking stupid, just drink the damn thing. You wanna do this or not?”

Max looked at the glass in her hand, it was some kind of expensive liquor mixed with a powder that had to had come from Frank’s RV. “Fuck it.” She said before swallowing the whole thing.

Drugging themselves seemed to solve the problem, but Max was taking a real hit to her health as she was still not eating much, so they stopped the drugs after a few times. In the end they just decided to keep trying until they were both comfortable, keeping the lights off, and often playing loud music to avoid hearing the other girl say someone else’s name. Max eventually got the hang of it and even started being dominant, they had perfected their little game.

It had been a week now and Max was laying in Victoria’s bed, with only a blanket covering her lower half, cigarette in hand she took a deep drag and kept the smoke in for as long as she could before letting go of it, it burned her insides but Max didn’t care. She hated the smell of the smoke, it always grossed her out _“At least switch to e-cigs!”_ she remembered the phrase she would always use with smokers; but hypocrisy had become a part of her now, just like doing the things she hated. Like Victoria Chase.

Max looked at the other girl, she looked peaceful, even kind of pretty, when she was asleep. Her phone started vibrating on the floor, Max tried her hardest to reach it while Victoria’s arm was still wrapped around her waist. Finally she managed to take it and looked at the bright screen.

**Message from Kate**

Max sighed. She hadn’t talked to Kate since this whole Victoria thing started. In reality, she hadn’t talked to anyone. Her whole life now was going to class, not listening to the teachers, going back and getting her frustration out on Victoria. To think about it, she hadn’t even talked to Warren since Chloe died.

But Kate was different. Kate knew. Max had no proof of it, but she felt like Kate knew. She got out of the hospital sooner than expected and the whole school had celebrated her return, they threw an amazing welcome party and everyone was invited, even Victoria. Kate was blown out by all this love towards her, everyone was there, except from one person: Max.

After her return she had avoided Kate in class, ignored all her calls and messages, even used her rewind whenever they met in the dorms. To be honest, she was afraid. Afraid and embarrassed. She couldn’t even imagine what she would say to her friend.

Max took a long drag out of her cigarette, long enough to make her head dizzy and her eyes watery, before opening the message.

**“Hey Max, just wanted to let you know that Ms. Grant wants us to make a speech about bullying, together… You should come to class some time. Anyways, I’m not mad at you so you can answer me any time you want. Just wanna make sure you’re ok. – Kate M.”**

The brunette sighed and let her phone fall to the ground again. “I can’t do this anymore” She took one last deep drag from her cigarette before turning over to the naked girl beside her and exhaling the smoke on her face.

“What the fuck Maxine!?” Victoria said between coughs, suddenly awaken by the smoke. “That is disgusting! You could find a better way to wake me up.”

“Get up Maribeth” Max threw her cigarette on the ground, to which Victoria frowned.

“What is your problem?” The blonde said, leaning back on her elbows.

“I got a message from Kate.”

There was a moment of silence and Max was looking at the ground. The silence continued until the sound of Victoria’s long sigh broke it.

“Ugh, I can’t deal with this” she laid down on the bed again.

Another moment of silence, this one lasted less than the last one as Max broke it.

“You… saw her a few days ago right? In her welcome party…” Victoria nodded silently, not looking at her.

“How was she? Did she -“ she got cut off by Victoria

“Stop talking Maxine.” The blonde turned to the side to not face the other girl.

Max raised her eyebrows, Kate’s subject was very sensitive to Victoria, and in fact she never talked about it. Max would often hear Victoria muttering the girl’s name over and over in her sleep, she breathed heavily and moved a lot during those dreams, nightmares perhaps?

“I want to know.” Max finally spoke. “Did you talk to her?”

Victoria didn’t respond, a couple of minutes passed and Max was still waiting for an answer but none came out. Suddenly she noticed the other girl was shaking.

“Victoria?” She said, leaning closer to the girl. “Are you-“

“Don’t fucking touch me” her voice came out trembling “I’m fine”

After a minute Victoria finally turned back to the other girl, she breathed weirdly, as if she was trying not to hyperventilate.

“I… never talked to her. I saw her, when she entered the room...” Victoria started talking.

“I saw her and she was beautiful, she was smiling, she was happy. And I was too fucking ashamed to talk to her.” She sat on the bed and leaned her back on the wall. “I just stood there, looking while everyone was greeting her, she hugged Stella and Alyssa and asked for you, they told her you weren’t there. She looked sad again, lost… then she looked at me.”

“It was horrible, she saw me and it was like a knife through my chest. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe… everything just stopped. She didn’t smile or frown... she just stared. I couldn’t take it anymore so I left, I think I tripped on a table and fell on a bunch of cupcakes… It was quite a scene.”

Max kept silent for a moment, she didn’t know what to say. The silence became awkward after a while so Victoria broke it.

“Ugh this is bullshit.” Victoria took a cigarette and lit it.

“You should go, Max.” She said after exhaling the smoke.

Max nodded. “Fine Victoria.” She said as she got up to pick up her clothes which were scattered around the place. The blonde put up some rap music while she smoked in silence.

She got half dressed with only her underwear and a shirt, carrying the rest of her clothes as she headed out the door. _“So I’m the one doing the walk of shame today huh”_

She opened the door careless, without even bothering to look if anyone was there to see her getting out of Victoria’s room looking like that. The hall was full of people who just stared blankly at her as she entered her room she could hear Victoria yelling “MAX WHAT THE FUCK!?” before she held up her hand and rewind. She had stopped caring about abusing her power, it wasn’t like she was using it for something more important like she did in the past. She stopped saving birds from dying, stopped saving Alyssa from stupid accidents, and of course there was no secret investigation to use them anymore.

Max looked at her phone, the still unanswered message from Kate, she sighed and looked at herself in the mirror: Sex hair, Victoria’s lipstick going from her lips to her collarbones, hickeys everywhere, pale and thin from not eating, it got even worse since she started smoking, and those bags under her eyes that hadn’t left her since Chloe died.

_“I look like a mess”_

Gathering her shower stuff, she left her room to take a shower. As soon as she was turning towards the shower a person entered the dorms, Kate.

They stared at each other blankly before Kate walked, or almost ran, towards Max. She put up her hand to rewind but felt Kate firmly grabbing her arm.

Max looked up to face her friend.

“Can we talk? Please?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Haven't updated in a while, just been busy, today I got inspired and wanted to write so here it is.  
> I haven't played episode 5 because I lost all my saves so i'm replaying the whole thing (currently on ep 4 again) so when I finish the game i'm probably gonna write much more out of feels and sadness.  
> Alright that's it for now. Thank you for reading!  
> Please comment!  
> Your comments make me happy :)


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